Dear,

Dear Montessori Mom,

Yes, I saw that sideways glance you gave me when I told my child to “stop kicking mommy”, and when I proceeded to grab one leg and buckle the seatbelt with the other hand, so he wasn’t able to slide out of the seat. In case you were wondering…he’s 2, and he’s big for his age. And in case you didn’t notice, I weigh like 90lbs. So managing a 35lb squirming 2 year old is not what I consider ideal after driving in traffic for 30 minutes on a MONDAY. But listen lady…it comes with the territory. We are mom’s and we have to hold our ground when we need. If that means grabbing a chubby 2 year old leg, while biting the strap of the car seat and buckling my son in, by God that’s what I’ll do! Next time, look the other way, and keep your thoughts in your head, unless you want me to slide a glance in your direction when your angelic daughter pulls her dress up and shows the world her…! Kthx!

Dear Nail Clipping Co-Workers,

First of all…really? Do you HAVE a bathroom at your house? Do you know what that sounds like to the rest of us diligently working away? It sounds like click, click, click, and then nails falling into a trashcan. People, the cube walls aren’t soundproof. If you can hear it, so can I, and I wouldn’t doubt the person on the other end of the phone you are trying to sell a new job to, can as well. EWWWWW! Have some common courtesy for your fellow cube mates and leave the nail clippers at home.

Dear Mr. Egg Man,

Although it may be amazingly healthy for you to cook egg whites in the microwave, have you ever thought about the lingering body odor smell it leaves in the kitchen when you walk away or about the people that happen to have a cube outside said kitchen? No…well let me spell it out for you…your nasty microwaved egg whites are gross. They stink up the whole kitchen and honestly, who cares how good they are for you, I want to hurl and that doesn’t make me a happy camper. So, Mr. Egg White man, if you could be so kind as to heat your whites in some other capacity or try and eat breakfast PRIOR to coming to the office, I would really appreciate it.

Dear Random Braking Drivers,

I would like to kindly point out that if you slam on your brakes, for no apparent reason, in the middle of the highway, while the rest of the world is cruising at 60 mph, you may just want to hire a driver and let the rest of us get to where we need to go. If you aren’t about to hit a coyote, an armadillo (listen people I’m in Texas, it happens) or a dog, please for the love of God, do not slam on your brakes for no reason. Just because your cell phone rings with “Tonight’s Gonna Be a Good Night” does not give you the right to slam on your brakes and reach in your purse and try and find the thing. The call can wait! Trust me the person will call back if it’s an emergency, or you can try the safest route, and wait until you get home.

And finally…

Dear Black Eyed Peas,

First of all, I would like to just say I am a huge fan and anytime you need a backstage groupie, you know where to find me! However, your catchy beats and fun lyrics have put my 2 year old into a tailspin and this Momma is not so happy about it. If I have to hear “the tonight good song” one more time, at 7 AM, while sitting in rush hour, I might just scream. I do not fault you for your musical brilliance, but maybe, just maybe, think about the moms out there, trying their damndest to give their kids the best education and possibly try and make our morning commute a little more…relaxing. Maybe call Timberland and hook up a duet with Kenny G. I think it would be a number one hit. If you need me, call me, I can have your people call your people…or whatever J